I haven't written in this for a while. Mainly because life has been fucking boring. But it's been alright. I'm just working, sleeping, it's all ok. It's a nice break, although I miss Austin terribly. But such a weird thing just happened and I want to tell someone about it but it's so pointless, I just don't want to bother explaining it to someone. I just got a phone call from some girl who acted like she knew me and she was like 'hey how are you' 'how do you like st. ed's' 'are you still working at picasso's?' i figured i would just eventuall figure out who it was so i just awkwardly answered the questions. And then she was like "So are you still dating Tom?" and I just tol her no, i'm not we broke up a while back. And then she says "Oh, well I'm dating Tom now." and I hear all these people laughing in the background. And I was just like "Oh...that's cool." to which she replies "No, I'm kidding we're just friends, don't freak out about it." and I was like "Oh, ok, I'm not" and then I just hung up.

And I just want to know what the fuck is he thinking? He's never been that catty and we broke up almost a year ago. Like, it sucks to know that I hurt someone that badly when I broke up with him. In fact, it probably bugs me every day and I have to force myself not to think about it, but he just keeps reminding me of what I did. LIke whatever the fuck that was. And he randomely calls and texts me saying that I ruined his life and he fucking hates me. It's so immature, but it annoys me so much because I really do know him and he's not like this. It just makes me feel fucking horrible and I hope he knows that he actually does hurt me and I hope he's happy.

ANYWAY
I actually feel better after that. Other than that, life isn't half bad. Obama won the nomination. I was so happy at work, I just like jumping up and down and everyone made fun of me. Last night I hung out with Paia, SHannon, Kel, and Max and I was I was stoned. Like-really, really, stoned. It was ridicuous. Granted, I don't smoke all that much at home but I have no clue how many bowls we smoked .15? 20? Whatever, it was fun.

I actually started exercising too. I know, crazy right? I ran yesterday for like 45 minutes and today my legs are throbbing! It's fucking pathetic.

My apartment in beautiful. I wish I were there now.

Good nightttt.

I have this theory that if someone could amass huge speakers and play "Us and Them" by Pink Floyd during a time of war, preferably on a battle field, that all conflicts would be resolved, because it's that badass.

Actually, maybe the whole Dark Side of the Moon album.

I cannot deal with moving back to Dallas for the summer. I find it hard to study for finals and absolutely impossible for me to pack up my dorm because they signal the end. I mean, it's completely irrational because I'm going to be back sooner than I think and hopefully, not much will change. It will be better because I'm going to be living in my badass apartment. And duh, I miss all my friends in Dallas because they do mean just as much to me as my college friends, but it's just going to be a really tough adjustment, so friends, please put up with my sentimental nature that I'm going to try my best to suppress this week. It's just FUCKING SURREAL. I'm going to be in Dallas with no one to remind me of anything in Austin, and this whole blissful, hazy first year of college is going to feel like something I dreamed and it's going to be really hard.

I know I'll be back. I know that in a few weeks I'll be fully adjusted to life back in Dallas and then late July or early August (whenever I move back) will come faster than I know it, but I just can't help being irrational. I just can't call Dallas home anymore, no matter how strong the past emotional attachment.

It's been such a good run. At least I'll make a lot of money and I won't smoke as much pot in Dallas, which can only be a good thing. My brain isn't necessarily fried from weed, but I can notice small changes. Lack of motivation (probably due to the other fun things I could be doing at any given time in Austin that's not homework) and my spelling has gone to SHIT. I used to be such a good speller, but since I started smoking pot almost daily, I just can't spell. Oh well, pros and cons. I'm still completely functional, and I'm still making good grades and I use pot at the end of days to relax and free my mind (cliche much?) and I just can't seem to see what the problem with it is. It's just become some a big part of my life and I feel like my parents don't know me if they don't know that-and I don't plan on telling them, at least my mother, until I graduate college, even though I'm pretty sure my Dad knows that I do. But that's a different rant for another day.

I planned on writing like 2 lines about how much I'm going to miss Austin, but ended up ranting, of course. Oh well, it's just my break from an adderall-infused study session.

I love you all in Austin. Please come visit me in Dallas at anytime. I promise you'll have fun.

Fuck, this is going to suck.
But!
It won't the whole time, and I just have to keep that in my mind.
I've accepted that the moving back and being there for the first few weeks is going to be extremely painful, but it will get better, it always does.

I act like we're all dying and never seeing each other again. I jsut have thing that the sooner I move back to Dallas, the sooner I'll be back in Austin (for good, I promised my parents I'd come home this summer, but they're not pressuring me to again).

Be cool everyone.

hey hey heyyyyy!

According to some scholarly online health journal:

"There have been quality-of-life studies showing that a bad case of shingles is worse than a heart attack in terms of how long the pain lasts,"

AWESOME. i really need to stop webmding (yeah, it's a verb now. mary-kathryn knows what's up) because i just freak myself out. But granted I AM IN IMMENSE PAIN. i'm sorry, im just going to complain for a second. It feelss like knives are stabbing me over and over again on one side of my body. This needs to go away, and so far the only thing the medicine does is make me fatigues and nauseous.

ok, otherwise, everything is fine. the end.

I'm feeling very blah right now. Shingles suck, my new phone sucks, registering for classes sucks, the thought of moving back to dallas sucks, and i have so much schoolwork to do that i haven't even started. on the other hand, i can't wait to get the fuck out of this dorm. i hate not having a home. i hate feeling so dependent on other people and i hate the feeling of growing apart.

my back feels like it is on fire and aches severely at the same time. it's less than pleasant.

i hate that there are so many aspects of life that no one will ever understand. at some points, i feel completely closed off from my own brain, like i'm acting without thinking. i feel like i'm watching myself from far away and it's really weird.

i want all this stress to be gone. i know it's not good when mental issues manifest themselves physically. shingles is caused by stress, although i haven't been any more stress than usual and that's kind of scary to think that it's there but i'm just unable to perceive it.

i'm just going to go take a shower, think it over. what i'm thinking over, i'm not too sure what i'm thinking over. i'm never too sure of anything.

Seeing two people together who really really like each other is extremely rewarding. Thank you.

I love MGMT. i really think the song kids may have changed my life.

this weekend was so good. i was with people i love the whole time. i seriously fucking love my friends. i have no idea how i'm going to live over the summer without them. i'm not being melodramatic. it's gonna be really fucking painful. i've known these people for not even a year. a year ago i didn't even know the people that i have become so ridiculous close to and i feel i am so lucky. i'm so lucky to have had ashley send me a semiawkward facebook message about a year ago. if she hadn't, i wouldn't know a lot of these people. Thanks girllllll.

I still love my high school friends and the few from earlier and I still feel I am just as close to them. It's just different worlds?

Life is good right now. Today was beautiful.

Babies, keep cool.

I just had a really good conversation with my Dad. I feel like we've covered a lot of ground. I don't know. Whenever I have problems, a lot of times I dismiss my parents because they're a different generation and they won't understand, but I forget that they're humans too and that they can relate. Anyway, we were just talking about my emotional stress and anxiety lately and how fucked up I feel to have been taking prozac for a decade now. Ten years. I have been medicated since I was nine years old. I'm reading this book on how psychiatry is medicating American and its trips me out. I'm a prime example. I'm not saying that the drugs don't work, because at first, prozac was a miracle for me (from what i can remember, I wasn't even a pre-teen yet). It's just weird to think that my outlook on life could be completely different if I had never taken them and sometimes I wish I could have those years back, unmedicated, but I'm afraid of what could have been and I'm content with my state. Anyway, if I continue to stay on anti-depressants, I may try and switch to another because I think prozac isn't working anymore. My dad told me he's been on anti-depressants for years and I had no idea, and it makes me realize that I don't know a lot about people, mainly my parents and their pasts. I remember one time I asked my Dad how he proposed to my Mom and he said "It was more of a discussion." Haha. That's perfect.

Anyway, regardless of how many things I can relate to in my psychology books, I love it. I'm so happy to have found a field that I have so much interest in. I literally just want to know everything.

Maybe I should make this livejournal private? Haha, there's some personal stuff on here. Oh well, I don't really care.

A few final thoughts...

-I really hope not everyone who doesn't know my friends and I personally think we are potheads. Twice today, people who don't really know us classified us as such. I mean sure, we smoke a lot of pot, but we function, and it there are a lot worse perma-fries.
-Boys just confuse me. I would go lesbian, but I have feeling girls aren't much better. Let me rephrase this, people are confusing.
-I have a killer blister on my foot. It's pretty gruesome, you should all see it.
-I love the crazy nutjobs i call my friends.


/END

I apologize to everyone if I've seemed a bit dependent lately. I'm going through a weird phase where my mind goes crazy if I'm alone.

I cannot wait for a glorious Austin reunion tomorrow. I never realize how many things I love about it until I'm gone for a bit: mary kathryn's car, gossiping and sitting on piles of clothes in ashley's room, odwalla, communal weed smoking, i heart video, erynn's pretty tattoo, kristina's odd view on life that always makes sense, and pretty much everything else.

There is no fucking way I am staying in Dallas the whole summer break, or even at all. I think I have a lot of anxiety about that. Actually, I KNOW I do, and it's really becoming apparent. I think one of my problems stems from the fact that I am shipped back and forth between homes. The one is Austin, I hate. I hate my dorm, but I love Austin so it's ok and once I get my apartment next year, it'll will be so fucking perfect I can't even stand it. My home in Dallas I love-for a visit. For a weekend when I want to kick it. But living there over the summer while all my friends are out having the time of my life is going to suck so much. SO MUCH. So I have to figure something out. I need to tell my parents that I want to stay in Austin over the summer. I can tell them it's to improve my mental health, which is completely true, but they'll just insist upon psychiatric medication (thanks psychiatrist mom) which I don't want. Maybe I could try and find an internship or something so that I'll HAVE to stay in Austin.

Regardless, I'm staying in Austin, and that's my final decision.

I also wish taking all these psychology classes didn't make me use phrases like 'my problems stem from" and "i have a lot of anxiety about..."

Houston pretty much sucks. I've been here one full day and it has gone as such:

eat.
download copious amounts of music
have my cousin ask me to do a simple computer task and then pay me $60 for doing it.
sneak around back to smoke.
eat.
watch mindless tv.
smoke.
sleep.

And it's going to be like this today and tomorrow.

Dreaming of drowning does mean something according to dreammoods.com

"To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you."

Fuck, that's weird.

OH. And I've had 4 dreams in the last week where I'm drowning. I wonder if that means something?

Brains really fascinate. Reader's Digest Version of last night. I had some sort of weird nervous breakdown. (God, the entries i post in here make me sounds like a psychopath.) It was triggered by something very small and minute and for abour 30 minutes, I felt like I was going crazy. I was in my room, alone (everyone had gone to Photog's (ANDREW!), but I stayed so I could do homework).I wish I could explain. I felt like every emotion it's ever possible to feel, I was feeling. It was extremely overwhelming and I was just along in my dorm. I felt imcredibly alone. Every song I put on to try and calm me down, I found repulsive. I was surfing facebook, and everything seemed so small, so trivial, like why do we give a fuck about this stuff? I then had to get out. By this time I was crying. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I didn't feel sad per se. I jsut couldn't stop the tears (much like Mary Kathryn, haha). I aimlessly walked about campus and Ragsdale just staring at things, trying to understand them. I felt like I was on acid for like 20 minutes. Everything seemed so different and I was losing my breath. Finally, I was like fuck this, I'm going crazy, I need to talk to someone. I finally got a hold of Kristina. Good God I fucking love this girl. She like stopped everything she was doing to come talk me down. I tried to explain everything to her, even though is could not have possibly made sense. I was just like crying and so confused. But, I really think she understood because whatever she said really got through me and calmed me down. I literally do not know what I do without her. All my friends keep me sane and I love them, but Kristina for some reason, I go to to deal with my mental problems because quite often we're on the same level. Anyway, she got my mind off of it and told me about her problems and bummed me cigarettes and made me laughed and I felt 8978243 better.

It was weird. Anyone reading this, please don't think I'm crazy. There's so much more to this experience, but I'm not comfortable putting it on my live fucking journal for anyone to see.

i'm dead serious when i say that i don't think i'll be able to ever have a healthy relationship with anyone because i psycho/over analyze everyone to death. and no one looks good psychoanalyzed.

hahahah. my parents just found my 2 hidden bottle of empty vodka handles from high school. they tried to sit down and have a 'talk about it.' it was funny. i think they expected me to lie. i was all 'nah fool. thats mine. straight up!'

well, something like that

atx tomorrow!

apparently i spelled cinnamon wrong on my lj name.

that sucks.

I can say right now that I am happy. The source of any problems I have had lately has been with my parents about what I have been referring to as "the living situation." And right now, it seems like everything's ok. I know that that's sort of a minor thing to have been so stressed about but it really had been stressing me out. Well, maybe where one is living is not that trivial. I'm still of course sad that I can't live with Ashley, MK, and Erynn. That would have been absolutely amazing. But living with Kristina is not a bad deal. At all. It's like I had two first choices all along. Kristina will be a perfect roomate for me. We balance each other out. I'm extremely worrisome and neurotic at times, and she's chilled out, hence her original nickname of Cok (chilled out kristina). For some reason, everytime I'm really stressed I want to see Kristina haha. Whenever I was coming down off of acid this past time, which was for some reason an overwhelmingly horrible experience, she was the first person I wanted to see. I called her fervently that day because she always puts me in a better place. So I feel that living with her will really calm me down a lot. She's really studious too, so that will probably help because I cant focus on schoolwork for more than twenty minutes. The only downfall is that if I ever want to quit smoking cigarettes, that will be an impossibility with Kristina's two packs a day. Oh well. I'll take the pros over that one con.
Anyway, our apartment that I'm pretty sure we're getting is called Stoney Ridge and it's about 5 or less minutes away from campus. You could see campus from our building. It's easily within walking and biking distance, and is close to a bus stop. That was more of my parents deal. We had/ have issues about me getting a car which pisses me off because it should be my decision because I fancy myself completely independent. The truth is I'm not. I'm a spoiled only child and my parents deal with my finances. If worse came to worse, I could deal with all that, but I never had to and I'm really lucky to have parents that care so damn much. So my life really is an issue for them and I understand their concerns it's just a matter of how much autonomy I should have (that's an issue from adolescent psych!). But anyway, this apartment fits all the criteria of myself, Kristina, and my parents (which as much as I hate it, they are a major factor.) It's a good price too and it's really nice. The only thing that sucks is that I have to go home this summer. I always thought that everyone did that, but all my friends are staying in Austin. I don't mind going home really. My parents are old and half-retired and I'm an only child and it's always been sort of my duty that I be with them alot. That's just always how it's been. I just feel like I'm going to miss so much. Kristina is going to move in in May and I have to wait till August.

Ok, well that's my rant about the "living situation." It's just obviously been on my mind a lot lately.

How come all of my livejournal entries are so serious? I hope no one that doesn't know me reads this and thinks I'm so emotional complainer when in fact, I think of myself as the opposite.

The weather really sucks right now and I woke up really early. Justice is tonight and I'm excited to dance. Almost all of my friends are going and I hope that it's just going to be a huge mass of us dancing like we would in Photog's living room. I think it will be. The show is outside though, I hope it clears us. Weather.com said it's just supposed to be 'cloudy' starting at about 5.

i like my crazy group of friends.

also, i blabber a lot.

I think it's really fucked up that people give a shit what religion our president is. I just read an article about the pictures of Obama that are surfacing with him wearing a turban from when he was visiting his dad's homeland in Kenya and a bunch of people were freaking out and 'felt uncomfortable' by the pictures. Why would you feel uncomfortable about this? Yeah, it supposedly was Muslim extremists who are responsible for 9/11. That was a few guys. Every religion has its extremists that sometime perform acts of violence. Muslims aren't going to hurt you.

Also, Obama isn't even Muslim.
But if he was, who gives a damn?
All these republican jackasses are going to see that and there goes any chance of their vote because they're so fucking brainwashed by the Bush administration that anything symbolizing Islam is automatically horrible.


Mk, I'm done.